Guiding for Boys

I have returned unscathed from my first day at the Cathedral.  I was mildly disappointed not to lead the daily service, some chap in a black dress and a dog collar did that.  I was dispatched to the Chapter House to get to grips with the Magna Carta.  First though I had to dress up. I was relieving a pleasant chap who looked like he was in need of some relief.  He handed me a green sash with a HUGE badge that said "Salisbury Cathedral Guide".  Like the Girls Guides, I assume that as time goes by I can gain badges to sew alongside.  "Granny Knot" badge, for confusing grannies perhaps.  I suggested that it was a little large even for my big head, but was reassured that I should sling it Mexican bandana style over my shoulder.  The back was checked to ensure that my seam was straight - very WW2 stockings - and I was ready to be unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

My Guide mentor was a very pleasant but frighteningly scholarly lady who introduced me to the Magna Carta.  I have visited before, but not exposed to the sheer wealth of information that this lady has.  'I'll give a couple of presentations, then you can have a bash" she said.  "Great" says I in return, wishing that I'd left my bicycle clips on because my tummy was moving into serious churning mode.  So, like the visitors, I listened spellbound, as she cantered through 800 years of history of this venerable document in about ten minutes.  "Any questions?" she asked me.  "Er, what did you say after Good morning ladies and gentlemen" I replied.  No, I feigned total comprehension and told her that I had nothing to ask yet.  "Jolly good.  I like people that pick things up quickly" she replied.  Did I mention that she is a retired school teacher?  I looked around, but I couldn't see anyone there that looked like they'd picked up anything quickly.  Oh, she meant me. That meant one thing.  The minutes before I had to do this were reducing rather too fast.

"Scuse me", came an American voice.  "Are these the original floor tiles?"  The question was aimed at me.  FLOOR TILES.  What floor tiles?  Oh, these tiles on this floor.  "Er, well." Says the panicky struggling newbie.  I looked desperately at the oracle.  "No.  They're exact replicas, but these were laid in 1855 to replace the originals which were broken".  I'm here to do the Magna Carta.  Now I have to know about floor tiles!!  I don't remember that in the job description.  Oh, the mediaeval frieze and the Parish silver, I need to know that too.  Phew, the architecture of the Chapter House is identical to that of the Cathedral.  Pure Gothic! 'Can I take a photograph of the ceiling please? says a pretty Architecture Major from California.  Seeing that I was going to struggle to say anything other than "Marry me", in response to this vision, my school Ma'am friend barked, "Sorry.  No photography".  I heard myself say "You could always draw it instead". You know what, she did!! 

All afternoon we had a non stop flow of visitors.  For some reason California is closed on tuesdays so they'd all come to Salisbury.  Maybe it's something to do with the proximity of a Spanish speaking country (Mexico) because most of Spain dropped by too.  I expect that they'd been to Wimbledon to see Nadal beat Federer.  

Soon I was talking to Americans like a seasoned veteran.  The document has 3,500 words.  How do I know?  Deirdre told me.  Don't quibble, count them if you want.  "No, Runnymede (where the Magna Carta was negotiated) isn't in London.  No, the Barons with whom Prince John parlayed didn't all get cheap day return train fares down to Salisbury.  There are four copies of the original 13 made left in existence.  Yes, I do know that there were 36 cathedrals in those days.  No I don't know why every cathedral didn't get it's own.  I guess that as each one took somewhere between 53 and 56 hours to write, the Scribe's wrist probably ached and he got bored and gave up.  No, this is Salisbury Cathedral Madam.  Your schedule is wrong, Winchester Cathedral is tomorrow.  It's tuesday today. San Francisco you say.  Fascinating.  NO PHOTOGRAPHY PLEASE.  Bitte nicht.  Oh you're Spanish."  You get the picture I'm sure.  Oh, sorry, no photography!   

I now know about Iron Gall ink.  Made from the Oak Galls (parasitical nut shaped growths that infest Oaks), iron salts and tannin.  The Magna Carta itself is written on a piece of sheepskin in an educated hand in mediaeval Latin.  However, the iron salts have eaten into the sheepskin and the words are permanently etched thereon.  Even if the ink were to be washed off, the words would remain.  There are 63 clauses of which four are extant in English, Commonwealth and US Law. I can tell you about Dutch prisoners of war too.  I just can't remember which war!

At last my afternoon came to an end.  Time to disrobe and trot along for my free cup of tea and a general wash up with the rest of the gang of guides.  At the door I met a nonagenarian lady who hands out the leaflet that explain the wonders of the room to those too shy to ask we "experts".  Bear in mind that Cathedrals are places of quiet contemplation.  "HELLO.  HAVE YOU ENJOYED YOUR VISIT.  OH.  YOU ARE A GUIDE.  I'VE BEEN HERE YEARS".  and so on.  What a lot we guides are. "Do you think you'll come back?" was an oft repeated question aimed in my direction.  Struggling to overcome the embarrassment and pain of having poured half a pot of scalding tea all over my upper leg - why do teapots pour from where the lid fits and not the spout?  in less than 500 words on my desk by Monday please - I replied in the affirmative.  Actually I loved every minute.  Just don't ask me about floor tiles!!