Since then Liz has been ill, had a brain scan and is now waiting for a meeting with the neurosurgeon. She's had no recurrence so fingers crossed she's OK. But it was very scary and I did think that I had lost her at one point. That's partly what I want to talk about tonight. When someone you love "dies", what is your immediate reaction?
I confess that somewhere through all my hysteria at kneeling beside my unconscious wife I thought "Bugger, I don't know her pin number for the ATM and she has money in her account whilst I don't". Is that a terrible thing to think? Two seconds I was thinking "Do I have change for the hospital car park?" Our hospital charges both patients and visitors for the privilege of parking two miles out of town on the grounds that it puts off would be commuters! They must make quite a great deal of money. I spent about six pounds over two days.
Fortunately she came round again and was carted off to hospital where she made a good recovery. Then they sent her home and she fitted again, this time I wasn't quite so alarmed, but still got the ambulance who took her back and they kept her overnight.
But is it normal to have such trivial, if slightly practical thoughts?
I suppose that when someone dies suddenly and unexpectedly the mind blocks out the reality of what has happened and practical thoughts cut in. There is a complete sense of disbelief, this isn't happening, and you desperately want everything to be normal again. I wouldn't want to wish the experience on anyone, but I suspect that having your loved one die in front of you, whilst horrific, is also strangely comforting. You were "there" at the end and I know that when I go, whilst not wanting to upset my nearest and dearest, there is something comforting in knowing that they were there as you breathe your last. Hope that it doesn't happen to us soon.
2 comments:
oh that is so true p1ke my darling! I know some of what Liz's illness took out of you and how upsetting and traumatic it was but as you say it is natural to think of practicalities , to not want to believe what is happening is really happening! I am so glad that things have turned out well and that Liz has had no more recurrences - I am praying that her last scan results are just as positive as the first. Hugs Morag xxxx
Thank you Morag. She's much better and they say that she has a brain and it's active!! It's six weeks since she had her fit. It seems like yesterday! Love XX
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